Raised on fairytales and rapists.

Raised on fairytales and rapists.

Lose the fairytales and help us deal with the realities. A girl can’t connect to any Prince Charming when she is suffering the unseen, unspoken aftermath of childhood sexual trauma.

Why didn’t anyone tell me? I can never find the magical connection. Why didn’t they say, “don‘t bother Renee, it will never happen, you were raped as a child and never grew?” Why didn’t people share the truth of childhood sexual abuse and all it‘s confusing and painful side effects? It has been happening from the beginning of time. Why do parents and people always think sexual assault always happens to someone else when it is one in three females before she turns eighteen?

I had a completely unworkable combination being raised on fairytales and rapists. This became clear to me in my 30’s when my memories returned. I could never find the fairytale guy, until I healed from the abuse. I had to spend over a decade, and about 100 thousand dollars to deal with the trauma that I was too young to handle at 13. I should be almost done. I better be better, after all I have done to help me heal.

Before my memories returned, what I call the repression years. I was just confused and waiting. Waiting patently for my turn at true love. And when it never happened. I wondered. What had I done wrong? What had I not done? Why couldn’t I find my Mr. Right?

I should have wondered. Why do I hate the hunt and hunter thing? Why did it drive me out of my skin? Why don’t I feel safe? The storybook dream can not happen when you are always running away. I have a mixture of fairytales and rapists, and the energy felt the same. I need to separate these two. Abused females need to separate them. We can’t feel the special connect with the two tied together. We get confused.

The truth is, I had no sexual energy and I didn’t even realize it for a long time. Why, because of the fairytales. Girls don’t get hormonal until she meets the right boy. Right? . I was waiting for that special soul mate. I was not interested in being an easy lay. I didn’t expect to run high hormonally until I met my guy. Isn’t the message every girl gets? Tale after tale, every person always gets at least one chance at true love. Right? Everyone but the sexually abused, they mean. For we don’t sense love and connect, we get flashbacks and anxiety. Does that sound like a fairytale? It sure didn’t feel like one to me.

I could not get close and at ease. Every male except the gay one, radiated an energy I distrusted. The more attracted and persuading a man became to me, the more distrusting and suspicious I become. I would crawl out of my skin and go on high alert. How could I work with this combination to romance? I fear and hate the hunter. I was not only hunted, I was shot. And no one noticed.

So please don’t tell your children fairytales and then allow so many rapists to roam free. It is beyond cruel. Tell them the ugly truth. Let us deal with reality, or lose the rapists. Please!