Still a virgin after ten counts of rape! True and possible, if only I knew.

Still a virgin after ten counts of rape! -

(Warning -- This post contains Graphic Details for clarity.)

It seems impossible to be a virgin after a rape. It is not. It is achievable, confusing, and silencing. I lacked the words and understanding for rape around my 13th birthday. Within a week, I lacked the memory of his attacks.

I was confused, upset, traumatized, and silenced by ignorance and shame. I didn’t know what happened. I wasn’t one of “those” girls. I didn’t do anything to “deserve it“. I just began puberty. My body was developing and drawing rapists to me. I needed it to stop.

I believed I had prevented my own rape. I prevented his full penetration. I prevented most penetration, just not all. The act of rape occurs at the point of entry. It is legally rape when that point of entry is broken, whether it is a ¼ inch or all the way. It is criminally one count of rape each and every time entry is broken. As a police officer explained to me this year, it is like breaking a window. How far in your arm goes or how long it stays, make no difference. A felony rape is committed each and every time point of entry is broken. When I was a child, I needed to know this important detail about rape. I needed words and understanding not just a vague statement on penetration.

Finally, I do know. I was raped, about ten counts. I should have known the legal understanding then. My father was an attorney, my mother a legal secretary. Everyone knew that boys raped girls. Jeff was leering, grabbing at me, and always around. People saw this and did nothing. When he raped me in the barn, I couldn’t even say it because of issue of penetration. I was left silent and unaware I had a ticking time clock on my memories.

I needed to have that clear understand not a home where sex talk was prohibited. I needed to know rape was point of entry and not full penetration. I needed to know it was possible to be raped and still a virgin.
I needed someone to help me. I needed a family to stop forcing me to be around someone I hated and distrusted. No one was able to help me, but me. A bad reality for a teen being stalked by a rapist, and too often true.

I had to turn me inside out to solve this problem alone. Don’t do that to a child, it is cruel. When you see a child change dramatically, and isolate themselves, help them. I was an extrovert and suddenly I was an introvert who hid in her room and hated to go outside. Please pay attention to your children, especially when you don’t give them the right words. We are telling you in our actions.

It may seem strange, but a raped virgin is possible. I would guess I am not the only one. And I know for a fact, ignorance doesn’t help us find the words, it takes away our options. For me it was around ten counts of rape. Every time he began, I bucked wildly and twisted. I wish I gained this knowledge as a teen. I needed it. And so do our children. Talk to them, watch for other ways they tell. And Please, Please help them.


* Next Blog: “Silence Saved Me” Why I couldn’t tell.