CHILDREN ALWAYS "TELL"!!!! JUST NOT IN WORDS.
Everyone who has NEVER been raped, believes it would be easy to find the words and sentence to open the truth. Everyone who has been sexually assaulted knows it is often impossible to open the subject in words, so we tell in actions. Please pay attention to these actions, they are telling you something is wrong.
Look for these key nonverbal “tells”
- Drastic change in personality. (I was an extrovert and became an introvert)
- Isolation (I stayed in my room, and got less involved in family stuff.)
- Anger/fights (2 fights at school, one detention, one dismiss from dinner table)
- Eating changes (I never ate food when he was at the table.)
- Physical reaction to touch. (I overreacted and made excuses why.)
If you notice these changes in your child, please don’t approach like a freight train. Take a deep breath, relax yourself. Find an approach with gentle kindness and supportive concern. A power approach may make them shut down further. They may already feel run over. Stop. Help your child feel safe. Tell them they are safe and not to blame. The shame and blame of sexual assault never belongs to the victim. It belongs to the abuser. Please make sure both of you understand this reality. Shame and blame get all mixed up here. You need to help your children untangle this misconception before they say the words. And it maybe a good lead for parents to take. Parents can share a personal story about a misplaced shame or blame. Remember how it felt? Share with them, show them how you felt. Give them your words.
If your child does “tell” you in words?
- Don’t come on like a freight train, they need gentle love.
- Don’t give the child any responsibility for the assault. There is nothing anyone does to “deserve” it. Please make this clear. It is critical!
- Don’t spread word around her school. It will ruin her believability. Other rapists will target her. Maybe that is why so many young female victims are often raped by several others before she leaves high school. No one believes her after the first report. Why do abusers know this and parents not? I realized at 13 years old. I saw the reality when I over heard a conversation. I kept my silence to keep me stay safe. Please don’t force your child to have to make this choice. Please, give her better options.
Thank you for letting me share again. My layers of silences are falling away, and a new bloom is sprouting in the garden of hope.
Cheers,
Renee
Next weeks post: Why Now! Why not decades ago?
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Do most parents not want to know or refuse to listen? I would like to think that parents are listening and observing. Parents trust your gut and get invovled. Rennee, your most crucial point is probably for parents not to overreact-lets call it the "freight train" effect. Young and old do not report rapes. Lets put the shame and ones of the crime on the rapist not the victim. Thanks for removing the silence. Hope <3
ReplyDeleteHi Hope,
ReplyDeleteI think too often parents are also in denial. I am putting the responsablity on parents to notice and indentify when their child is having some kind of problem.
I hope my story will help parents see it happens to children in good families. And good families need to be more aware of the reality of rape. Especially when sexual assault happens to 1 in 3 girls before 18. It is time for a wake up call for parents. And I am hoping to show them and give them a gentle lead. I have been the kid, so I know for myself what it would have taken. And I know from all my work, research, and conversations that the blame and shame gets all misalligned. If we straightn it up on this issue, a huge about of the problem will be exposed. I believe the only reason we are unclear here is because it is "sex" and we are not allowed to talk as openly. I am taking off my gag and talking about it. And I hope it helps others.
Thank you for all your support,
Cheers,
Renee
Silence does serve the rapist. Hope
ReplyDeleteRenee,
ReplyDeleteI am very proud of you for opening up and being in charge of your healing. Thank you for writing about your experience and helping others see.
Silence is not the answer any longer. Good for you!
Lori @whenwelisten
Thank you Lori and Hope,
ReplyDeleteI am proud of me too. This has been tough, and we can make it so much better. But we can't do that with the silence and ignorance. We do it with the truth and the facts.
Dropping my silence has really helped me get rid of the shame. And finding the facts has made me feel more secure. Funny how that works. I am glad I have figured it out.
And I am thankful that you are letting me share and interact. It is a wonderful change from my isolation.
Thank you for helping me,
Renee