Why Now! Why not decades ago?

When it happened, I suppressed the memories of the assaults quickly. Most children and teens will. Sexual assault is too shameful and traumatic for a child to deal with reasonably. Within a week, I was left with a feeling of always being stalked by rapists (which I was) and a nervous energy and hateful distrust whenever Jeff was around. How could I speak out and tell the truth? I didn’t know it!

Short version:
1) Suppressed physical assaults in about a week. (13)
2) Memories returned, a few years later than norm. (38)
3) Because it is sex, I kept it private and got professional help. (40)
4) I dated and found tangles still existed. Out of cash, out of hope. (43)
5) For years, I stayed silent and needed to feel safe and rest.(44)
6) Rested, researched, and menopausal mad. Broke silence w/family (48)
7) Dropping all shame and silence, beginning to healing again. (49)
HERE

Long version:

Before my memories came back, I just had a really strange mix of fairytales and rapists. I couldn’t identify my problem. I stayed living in the moment and working for the future. I didn’t look back. Why would I? I had a Norman Rockwell childhood. Didn’t I? My thoughts on the subject of sex and having children were strange, so I dismissed them. I kept moving so fast, my past couldn’t catch up, and it needed too. I handled this incorrectly. I didn’t have the right tools to recognize and resolve my mental issues.

In my 30’s, when I was grieving over a family suicide, most of my memories can flooding in. Totally normal, our memories frequently come back in our 30’s with a traumatic event. Mine came flooding in with flashbacks, terror, and the awareness that rapists can be the guy next door. I was freaking out. I privately searched for a good therapist, and found one. Now, my healing process could begin. And I could speak up, but because it was sex and a long time ago, I didn’t. I dealt with it.

In therapy, I kept my silence and privacy. As most of us do. I accepted the trauma and identified my where my anxiety came from. For years and years I put my focus into understanding and removing all the garbage from the stalking and rapes. I did everything privately, like a “nice” girl should. I got rid of most, but I couldn’t get it all. The secrecy kept the shame on me.

I realized after years of failing and frustration that I was still very unhealthy in relationships. I stopped dating completely. I had incorrect connects I had not identified yet. I was out of hope, out of money, and out of help.

Honestly, I gave up for a while. Hope is a horrible thing to lose. I was exhausted, spent in every possible way. Being hyper vigulatant in a society where rapists roam free, was destroying me. Then I became creative. I started a business taking care of pets when people went away on long vacation. I slept in relative safety for about five years.
At 48, I was feeling rested and unjustly sacrificed. I had begun my menopause madness, everything was changing on me physically and mentally. I refuse to let rapists win. If I remain silent and don’t heal, they win. If I am avoiding public locations because our society is littered with rapists, then they win. If I remain silent and more children get hurt, they really win. I refuse to let abusers win again because of my silence and shame. I have let it go.

I have done my research and most of my painful mental healing work. I am not that unusual, except about exposing myself publicly. I understand everything better and my silence needed to be removed. Silence doesn’t help me heal, it makes me carry the shame. And worse, my silence hurts the future children who should grow up abuse free, but won’t.

So this last year, I broke my silence to my family. And now I am breaking my silence to anyone who will listen. I am offering my truth and searching for better solutions. I am here now, speaking up, and trying to heal and make a difference. I am bringing the message, “we need to and can be far more vigilant on prevention and for less excusing of abusive behavior.” Stop the leak before it become a flood.

My last point is that sexual assault is almost always a long hidden healing process. A full grown well balance woman takes about a decade to get all the trauma out. For an abused child who is now grown, it takes even longer because we didn‘t grow or we grew unhealthy. A survivor can‘t even begin to heal and share until her memories return and she get good professional help.

Thank you for letting me share and heal,

Renee

Next week’s Post - The shame of sexual assault.

Copy written by Renee B. Cooper, 2010