Silence saved me! Why I couldn't tell.

Silence saved me!

Please don't have silence save your children.

Silence is simpler and safer. No one wants to admit they have been sexually assaulted. Especially a teen age girl. I felt dirty, confused, and ashamed. If a child can stop the problem alone, she will. I did. But that didn’t stop the aftereffects.

It is harder for a child to talk than remain silent. We can never find those first words, the perfect opening line that says it all. If we can find deny it happened, we will. Even to ourselves, especially to ourselves. My family’s help after I got raped, would have turned something horrible into my complete hell. If my rape had been forced into public knowledge, I would have been dead a long time ago. Silence saved me, this I know.

The truth is, I wasn’t encouraged to find any sex words or ask any sex questions. I didn’t want people looking at me as a rape victim. I don’t really like it now. At 13, I couldn’t even name it rape, because of my inadequate information on penetration. I wanted a clean reputation, I felt so dirty.

He was the rapists. Why was it going to destroy my life and not his? A girl at 13 and a boy at 15 , what did I expect? Boys will be boys. Even if he was caught in the act, at worst it would beJuvenal Hall for a few days, but never jail. Jeff would not have been convicted. He was a minor and this would be his first reported offence.

Even if I told the police and the police took action, I was the one who would suffer the most. I would have had to repeat every single dirty detail to the police over and over again. Everyone at our shared school would have known. All my relative would have found out. My mother might have made me do the right thing and go through a medical exam and rape kit. And what about the court room? If I got put on the stand, the defense would have made it look like my fault. That was his job! I knew all this, my father was an attorney. I understood clearly, I was the one with everything to lose, not my rapist. Why is it set up this way? It doesn’t make sense, and it doesn’t help us tell. Trust me, this I know.

Jeff knew that my self image was important to me. He didn’t even feel bad about attacking me. He was at my dinner that night, smiling at me. He took every opportunity he could to be a part of my family. He even went on vacations with us. I did made it crystal clear that I hated him, I didn’t want him around. But it made no difference to my family. Please parents don’t force your children to be around people they hate and distrust. Don’t tell them to be polite young ladies. Tell them to scream and yell when their boundaries are broken. And make abuser wear the shame alone.

There was no good answer for a girl in my situation. I did the absolute best I could, and I saved me. To this day, I believe I was right. My family’s help and our legal system would have destroyed me. And yet it would never have destroyed a 15 year old rapist. They would have excused him with a slap on the wrist, at most. Why can’t we get the shame and blame right on rape? Why do we make it worth it to them to rape and not worth it for us to tell?

Jeff raped me, nearly killed me, and stalked me for over two year. He was a boy and boys did that. It is part of growing up. Boys can’t control their bodies, it’s puberty. This was the belief in my home. How was that belief going to help me to talk? Let me tell you, IT WASN‘T. It make it difficult even today.

The truth is, I needed my family’s help before I am raped. The first time (6 months before) and every time he crossed the line in my direction. That is how my family could have helped me best. Before I am attacked, not after.

My conservative 50’s style mother was uncomfortable talking about sex. My puberty sex talk was basically: 1) people are not animals 2) all you have to say is no, and I expect you to say no. That was it? All the information I needed? How could I tell my mother her information was COMPLETELY wrong? My mother still believes if it was “not that bad “ as I say, I would have told her. When the truth is because it was “that bad“, I couldn’t tell her. Mothers please help them by taking the lead. It is uncomfortable but healthy.

My mother didn’t trust him and her response was to let me handle it. When she caught Jeff looking in my bedroom window, she called me down to inform me. She asked ME what I wanted to do about it! As if it was my fault and my reasonability? My mother did not scream at Jeff, she confronted me. She did not follow up to see if he continued invading my privacy. He did, for two and a half years. She didn‘t even tell other family members of his behavior? No. She invited Jeff to dinner the next evening. Wasn’t that polite? No, it was not!

My family should have seen me change so dramatically. I was an extrovert, outside happy and free . Then suddenly, I was inside and angry. For over two years, I stayed in my room. I lost my connect with my horse as well as my faith in my family. I was lonely, scared, and constantly put in danger. What the hell was wrong with my uptight “close knit” family? I needed help and they should have seen it. Please parents, pay attention when your children turn themselves inside out. They are telling you. You just don’t want to listen. Please admit when something maybe wrong and help. We always tell you, we don‘t always do it in words.

Please, don’t force a child to be around people they hate and distrust. I absolutely know I showed this loud and clear. And I was completely disregarded. And I got sent away from the dinner table and to my room for showing my “disrespect”. Value your child’s judgment. If you don’t, you may give them a reason to not value yours. Do you think I value my mother’s judgment here? I would like to, but I don’t.

Even in the best of circumstances, children have a tough time telling. We don‘t want to admit it, even to ourselves. And when our family situation is not the “best” and sex talk is limited, we lose the memories of the physical assaults before we can find the words. Don’t expect your children to be able to come right out and say it. Being raped is NOT something they are proud of, it is something they are ashamed of. Admitting it is often impossible on our own.

Thank you for allowing me share my hidden side of the silence. I am here to open up the reality of sexual assault on our children. I think I need to undrestand, them maybe we can get the shame and blame right. I believe the truth is essential for helping and preventing. If I didn’t I would NEVER expose myself like this. But I want everyone to know that, children always tell. And sometimes finding the opening words is impossible for children and adults. If you love a child and they change dramatically, they are telling you something. Learn how to listen even when no words are uttered. If you want the words, you may need to use them first. Rape is not an accident. It is intentional, inexcusable, and the blame belongs 100% to the abuser.

I hope my honesty helps others understand and heal. I know it has helped me to find my voice in my healing process.

Thank you,

Renee




Our hopeless situation can be made better.

Next week’s blog - Children always “tell”. Helping your child.

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